What a life

Everyday , I've been living my life with a smile on my face. Of course I need to go to work and show the people around me that I am ok. But in reality, at the back of this smile is a face is full of despair and agony. I don't know what to do anymore...

People are saying that I am a strong woman and that my mom is lucky to have me as a daughter because for (1) I try my best to hide every sad chapter of my life and as much as possible I face the challenges alone, and (2) I strive hard to be the best daughter in the world.

But my mom never sees me as someone she can be proud of. Ever since I was a child, I was severely spanked to the point that my whole body is somewhat covered with bruises. The reason? because I can't memorize the alphabet or because I did something terrible. I still remember the days when I have to go to school and be questioned by my classmates why do I have bruises? My reaction? Nothing. I try my best to hide the pain and agony I'm feeling.

There are only a few times in the 23 years of me being alive that I remember her being proud of me. But there are many times when she compared me to my cousins, because my cousins are more intelligent, more caring, gives more money, etc etc.

Oh! and did I say that I'm just an only child? So, I really can't say that I am lucky being an only child. Aside from the fact that the full attention is in me. Every little mistake I do is also seen, and that little mistake always has big consequences.

So maybe I am really a big failure, and I am a big disappointment from the very beginning.